Annoyed

Franky and Benjy are getting used to me feeding them cheese when I'm in the kitchen. Guess they haven't realized what I'm doing this for. Maybe I should show them the pills I'm smuggling past their natural medicine detection and rejection unit.

Anyway, whenever I'm now standing in the kitchen, Benjy sneaks up behind me and starts meowing for cheese. He even meows it to my face when I'm not looking. So today I really had enough of all this squealing and begging, so I looked him sternly in the face and said

MEEEOOOOOWWWOOOWWWEEEOOOOEEEEWWWOOOEEEEWWWWWWW.

Quite loud actually.

Benjy ducked. Franky ducked. They both stared at me in utter disbelief and confusion for a moment and then they both turned tail and fled. Well, tried to flee, at least. They were hindered somewhat by my floor being all tiles and wood imitation and thus offering very little resistance to clawed paws and they needed quite a few frantic leaps to actually start moving. The turn out of the kitchen area was less of a challenge, being laid out wth thick carpet, but one of them managed to crash into the filled waterbowl in the living room. At the opposite end of the door to the hallway and the kitchen. I guess when a cat panics, it panics for good. The whole nine yards. Luckily I noticed that before too much water could seep into the laminate floor.

What the...?

Damn! When did we switch to Daylight Savings Time?

How to feed your cat a pill

Benjy has to take pills to keep down the allergic reaction. I tried to find some advice on the internet how to do that:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to partner's forearm and immediately remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning loves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to pick out new table.

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat. Call local pet shop to see if they have hamsters.

Funny. They don't mention this one

1a. Hide crushed pill in large lump of fresh, soft cheese. Keep other cat from eating it.

The last part was actually most difficult. Had to resort to feeding Franky his own serving of uncontaminated cheese on a silver spoon.

Playtime

We played with the laser pointer again. Made some pictures. Hell, I'm glad I'm not a mouse (or a spot of red light) in this household. Would really hate to be between these claws...

Another Vet trip

Turned out the bloody ears weren't scratch marks after all. Last night Benjys other ear was bloody as well, looked like open sores, plus he had grown one on his forehead as well. Looked a bit like a big, open pimple. So maybe I need to rename Peemachine to Pimpleface now.

Anyway, I took Pimpleface and his brother to the vet (was quite easy to get them into the box, I just put it on the floor and Benjy was inside before I could even get out the treats to lure them into it) this morning, because I though it was maybe some kind of parasite. After a short while of waiting we were allowed in and the vet checked them for mites and fleas but couldn't find any. So he suspected an allergic reaction, gave him a shot and prescribed a few pills.

We'll start taking pills Saturday. Must remember to buy protective clothing.

Blood

Don't know I I've been yelling to loud at Benjy earlier, but now his right ear is bloody on the inside. Hope it was just a fight with Franky, but I have to watch it.

Doing the dishes

Came home today to find Franky sitting on a carton box next to the door. No sign of Benjy, although he's the first to greet me when I come home usually. Might be because he's also the first when it comes to looking out through the door and trying to get past me to escape the prison I call home.

So I check the living room - nocat there. Kitchen? There Benjy is, sitting peacefully on top of the kitchen counter, as if I allowed him personally to go up there. So I drop everything I hold, jump over, he sees me coming, tries to get away, but of course I block the doorway and he can't escape, I grab him, yell repeatedly at him and throw him into the bathroom.

Now he's afraid of me.

Good.

Bad Mistake

Oh no!! I made a bad mistake. Last night, when I was prepping a slice of bread as a late night dinner so I wouldn't have to starve during the night, Franky and Benjy were sneaking around my legs as they usually do (they do that even when I'm walking. And when I kick them in the head accidentally, they go MEOW! and look at me as if it were my fault), and I fed them a few pieces of sausage. Which they liked very much. Especially now since I have cut down their ration of canned food to nil, because it gives Benjy the trots.

Unfortunately now, whenever I go into the kitchen to make food, Benjy follows me and screams and yells to claim his godgiven right of eating from my table, because it has always been that way.

Hello? Get real, little cat! My food is a treat, not your everyday ration. How do you teach a cat the value of treats?

Dirty fingers

Benjy tried his old trick to keep me from going out to the movies. He stepped into his pile of cat poo and then smelled all over the place. Too bad he forgot about the actions that immediately follow this kind of behaviour, like being picked up and held by the neck while having his feet cleaned with a soaking wet cloth. Talk about squealing cats...

Young cats and new toys.

And a lazy canopener. I bought a laserpointer. Now I can sit lazily in a strategic corner of my flat and chase Franky and Benjy through the rooms with a flick of my wrist. It's amazing how little understanding cats have for non-corporeal entities like wormhole aliens and bright dots of light. As soon as the red spot appears they go into hunting mode and forget everything else. Like the fact that my laminate floor offers no resistance or hold whatsoever, turning cats running a curve at high speed into a wild tumble of fur and paws which eventually crashes into the next table or couch.
But, luckily, no casualties so far.

Now I need someone to hold the laser pointer while I hold the camera.

No Serenity today

Went home early from work today, because I wanted to pickup the Serenity DVD from the post office. So I raced home, grabbed the pickup ticket from my mailbox, hurried to the post office, where I arrived 10 minutes before closing time and then looked at the address on the ticket. Wrong post office. Damn. So I sprinted across town just to enter the main post office at about 15 seconds before they closed the door and joined the queue of last-minute-customers. Now I know that I'm not supposed to pickup a parcel at the post office the same day they tried to deliver it to me, but I always try anyways, because I usually end up with a nice elderly lady at the counter who goes to take a look if the parcel's already arrived, and usually this is indeed the case. So while I'm standing there in the queue waiting my turn, I survey the people behind the counter - 4 nice elderly ladys and 2 grumpy old men. So guess who I get when it's finally my turn - right, Grumpy Old Man #2. I can smell his unwillingness to do any more work even before he opens his mouth, now that it's already after 6PM, and he only glances at my ticket before waving me off, telling me to come back tomorrow. So "WTF you lazy old fart, but I CAN'T GO HOME SO EARLY EVERY DAY. I have a real job. Go look for my parcel now!" I don't say to him, but hang my head and leave, having happy thoughts of solving these kinds of problems Malcolm-Reynolds-style. Or maybe even James-T-Kirk-style. Hey, if I rip my shirt while wrestling this alien from Lazy Planet, Eldery Lady #4 might even be impressed and find my parcel for me.

Feel better now.

Who says every entry here has to be about cats, anyway? They don't do much but barf, crap and meow for my attention.